(These are excerpts are from Judith Sills’ “The Power of No” from PsychologyToday.com.)
No is both the tool and the barrier by which we establish and maintain the distinct perimeter of the self. No says, “This is who I am; this is what I value; this is what I will and will not do; this is how I will choose to act.” We love others, give to others, cooperate with others, and please others, but we are, always and at the core, distinct and separate selves. We need No to carve and support that space. No recognizes that we are the agents of our own limits. For most of us, this self-in-charge-and-wholly-responsible is a powerful, lonely, and very adult awareness. We approach it two steps forward and one giant retreat—giving in to the beloved, to the bully, to our own urges for another drink or an unnecessary purchase. The closer we get to manning the barricade of self-set limits, the stronger we are. That strength requires the power of “No.”
The challenge comes in getting ourselves to do it. Organizational psychologist Adam Grant, emphasizes that “the ability to say No is one of the most important skills one can have, particularly for givers. When you are able to say No, people are careful to come to you with only meaningful requests, rather than simply asking for any help you might be able to give. Saying No makes your Yes more meaningful, it makes you more of a specialist, rather than a generalist in what you give to others.”
When we say Yes thoughtfully because we are giving in our area of expertise, rather than saying Yes out of a need to be liked, we are far more apt to feel satisfied by giving. Also, No tests the health and equity of your closest relationships. If you feel you cannot say No, at least to some things, some of the time, then you are not being loved—you are being controlled. Perhaps most important, personal integrity requires the power of No. The ability to say No is an essential element of one’s moral compass. Without it, we are merely agreeable pleasers, the Pillsbury doughboys of morals and values. Whatever the cost or quake involved when you deliver a No, backbone is defined by your ability to say it.”
Judith also suggests some ways to put it into practice:
“1. Replace your automatic Yes with “I’ll think about it.”
“I’ll think about it” puts you in control, softens the ground for No, suggests you are actually weighing important factors, and, most important, allows you the opportunity to think things through.
- Soften your language.
Try “I’m not comfortable with that.” “I’d prefer not.” “I’d rather…” “Let’s agree to disagree here.” Or “That’s a good/nice/interesting plan, but I won’t be able to…” This last is a variant of the Oreo cookie communication strategy, in which you say something positive (“You are such a warm and charming person”), sandwich in the filling of a tactful No (“I don’t think you and I have a romantic future”), and then end with another cookie (“I have so enjoyed the time we’ve spent together; you really make me laugh”) Make no mistake. You are still delivering a clear and powerful No, and the other person well understands that. This No, sweeter and softer, may go down better.
- Manage your feelings.
No is best deployed pleasantly with an air of Zen calm. (Tricky, because you are likely feeling very far from it.) Outward calm helps quiet your inner turmoil. What’s more, it will reduce the negative impact of your No on the brain of your audience. The jolt that No delivers is big enough without a tsunami of anger and invective.
- Refer to your commitment to others.
Say No without appearing selfish or uncaring by referencing your conflicting obligations to other people. “I’d love to help, but I have already agreed to help my mother/colleague/student then, and I can’t let him/her down.”
- Rehearse.
Ongoing situations can benefit from your thoughtful, private rehearsal. You may design one clear, respectful No and keep repeating it no matter what comes your way. (“I cannot take on another project, Sir, because my plate is too full.” “I cannot take on another project, Sir, because my plate is too full.”) Repeat politely until the boss finally hears you.
You may practice calmly cutting the conversation short. (“Honey, you and I don’t agree on this. Let’s close the conversation.”) He goes on; you go silent. Or, if you practice long enough, you might just become strong enough to listen to any inappropriate, uncomfortable, excessive request, pause for breath, and then deliver your one-word, no-explanation verdict: No.”